Being Pregnant Does Not Give You Carte Blanche To Act Like An Asshole

Midtown is always a pretty hideous place to find oneself on anything approaching a regular basis. It brings together the worst of what New York City has to offer -- white collar workers with thingstodopeopletoseeplacestobe and clueless tourists with all the time in the world to do stuff like stand around in the middle of the sidewalk and take pictures of stores. However, a couple of times per year, things happen in Midtown which catapult the misery to shocking new levels.

- There's the St. Patrick's Day Parade on 5th Avenue, of course. The masochist in me drags my ass into the office every St. Patrick's Day. And every year, after climbing over drunk people on the sidewalk, wading through pools of vomit and pee, and listening to the same three bagpipe songs all frigging day, I swear to myself that next St. Patrick's Day, I'm going to work from home. But I never do. So I suppose this one is actually my fault.

- But there's also Rockefeller Center at Christmas-time. I can't very well work from home the entire month of December. But God help you if you need to get through that place for any reason during the last month of the year. Mayor Bloomberg can take his "quality of life" initiatives and shove 'em until he implements express lanes for locals who are just trying to frigging get wherever we need to go in that neck of the woods during the entire Christmas season. We don't need to take pictures of the Christmas Tree from every angle, nor stop suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk when the choreographed snowflake crap starts up on the facade of Saks Fifth Avenue. We just need to get wherever we're trying to go. Ugh!!!

- And then there's the U.N. Which is what brings us together today. Because it's in session right now. And in fact, earlier today, President Obama met with Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Abbas. Which is all well and good. Except that, for reasons which never became apparent, the police blocked the entirety of 53rd Street from 1st Avenue to 8th Avenue a couple of hours ago. A period which happened to coincide with what was supposed to be a quick trip to grab a late lunch, but turned into me trapped on the sidewalk a block south of my office. There I stood, while multitudes of people accumulated at each corner. Tourists snapped pictures. Business people cursed under their breath and typed furiously on their BlackBerries. Then, after about 20 minutes of absolutely nothing happening, the police pulled back one barricade at each corner to let pedestrians cross.

Which, as you can imagine, created chaos. Chaos which became even worse for me when it devolved into a total Disney World experience. Those of you who know me know my feelings on Disney World: It's pretty much the most God-forsaken place on the planet. But have you ever had the displeasure of being at the fucking Magic Kingdom after the fireworks end? There's families with little kids everywhere, but there's six psychotic women dispersed throughout the crowd who have somehow arrived at the conclusion that their family is more important than everyone elses, and they're out there screaming at everyone to get out of their way because they "have children with them." You know what I'm talking about here?

Well yeah, I had the Crazy Pregnant Woman version of the Disney World experience this afternoon. Because the crowds start moving, and to be sure, there's a bit of pushing and shoving going on. But I'm getting pushed from behind with a force that's approaching distressing. You know, there's your standard "sea of humanity" pushing, but then there's your "someone might get injured" pushing. This was the latter.

So I look over my shoulder. I don't know what I was expecting to see, but there's this tiny blond chick digging her knuckles into my back. I tell her that she needs to cut it out, which elicits the somewhat ridiculous response (see: digging her knuckles into my back), "I'm not pushing." Followed by delayed indignance: "I'm pregnant." And then the comically self-righteous finale: "I'm just protecting my baby." Riiiiiggghhht. Because pushing and shoving your way through thousands of New Yorkers -- to get to The Gap, by the way, that was her ultimate destination -- is in the best interests of your baby. So yeah. Perhaps the first part of my response wasn't the ideal way to diffuse the situation: "I'm sorry you're pregnant." But the second part of it was legitimate: "That doesn't mean you can push people." She begged to differ, though, because she informed me that I was a "crazy bitch," and then we both went on with our lives.

But seriously. I'm all for making pregnant women's lives easier when I can. I'll step out of the way to let them pass, give them my seat on the subway, hold open doors, whatever. Totally not a problem. But being pregnant does not give you carte blanche to act like an asshole. If you're so worried, as you claim, about protecting your baby, how about waiting a few minutes till the bulk of the crowd disperses? I know you're in a rush to get to The Gap, but seriously, plunging into that mess and then uping the ante by pushing and shoving your way through it is not a good idea, and acting all self-righteous when someone calls you on your bullshit is ridiculous.

Uuugggghhhh, this city, man. I love it. But some days it wins. Today was one of those days.

September 11th Now

(Inspired, in part, by Colson Whitehead's excellent essay, published in the New York Times Magazine on November 11, 2001.)

I built my New York in much the same way Colson Whitehead built his: On the elevated train in Queens; each morning, the decision about whether to sit facing East, so I could look at the Midtown skyline as we rumbled along above 31st Street; or to sit facing West, so I could see the Twin Towers when we turned the corner at Queens Plaza.

- The former, an extended, and at the time -- before the construction boom in Astoria -- unobstructed view of the classic New York skyline: The Empire State Building, the Chrysler Building, and the Citigroup Center. A view that reminded me every morning that I lived somewhere people dreamed about living, a place that people believed had the power to make dreams come true. A view that reminded me that I am fortunate and made me proud of my city.

- The latter, a view that took my breath away every time I saw it: A part of the city so different from the parts where I spent most of my time, full of jobs so different from the ones I'd done. Rich with history and abounding with importance. Masculine and fast-paced; energy palpable on each narrow, shadowy, and cool -- always cool, no matter the temperature -- street. A view that filled me with awe and a bit of adrenaline and made me proud of my country.

Downtown is where people get things done. Things that people across the world open their newspapers to read about each morning. Things that impact the global economy. My roommate also worked in one of those towers. She went to the office a lot earlier than I did, so I liked to picture her up there on the 60something floor, taking care of business. I don't actually even know which tower she worked in, but I always imagined her in the second one, set a little back from the first, from my vantage point, at least.

I haven't been down there much since the towers got taken away from us. I dated a guy who lived in Battery Park City for a couple months in 2005. He had a window the size of a movie screen in his living room, and it overlooked Ground Zero. I stayed at his place the night after that year's New York City Marathon, and he'd already left for work when I work up from a long night's post-marathon sleep. I remember standing at that window for probably a half hour, looking down and wondering how my boyfriend could stand it.

I don't know what it's like for the people who live there and work there. Do they, as I did that morning, see the ghosts of the towers and the people who lost their lives? Do they feel the sadness that hangs heavily over that part of the city? Or have they -- necessarily -- grown thick skins? I don't think it's right to say they've grown "numb." We say we've become numb to violence because we see it so much in video games and movies. But this is more akin to a survival skill: We have to be there, so we find a way to cope.

I don't know how most people feel, actually. I'm afraid to ask. I'm weirdly possessive of my experience of that day. My old roommate used to wonder about the Oklahoma City bombing -- do the people in Oklahoma City still think about that day every day of their lives? I wonder the same thing now about the people who lived through Hurricane Katrina. Do they look at that day and say that it, more than any other day of their lives, is the day that changed things forever?

I imagine they do, and the thought makes me feel a strange mix of loneliness and kinship. Because I still think about September 11 every day. Everything reminds me of it: Beautifully bright and unusually clear days like that Tuesday morning and the days that immediately followed it. Weirdly windy and unexpectedly dark evenings in early September, like the first anniversary of the attacks. Planes flying atypical flight paths or irregularly low. Subways stopping strangely suddenly. Police cars' sirens wailing and moving unusually quickly into the distance. If you live in this city long enough, you get a sense of its pace, and now I notice the aberrations.

It makes me lonely because it's a horrible way to feel, and it's not something I can share with people: If they weren't here or they aren't having this kind of response, they simply wouldn't understand. And if they were here, and they have had this kind of response, they wouldn't want to hear it. If we mentioned it every time we thought of it, it would be all we talked about. In the instances of sharing that I've had with friends whom I trust, it has been a relief to hear that I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one who can't do something as simple as cross 6th Avenue without thinking that the middle of 6th Avenue used to offer one hell of a view of the Twin Towers.

And that's where the kinship comes in. I feel a kinship so strong with everyone who was here that day, and it's a powerful thing, feeling kinship with eight million people. I remember going back to work on September 13, and it was like the day I realized how much I care about everybody. I knew all my family and friends and coworkers were okay, but I didn't know about the guy who gets me my coffee each morning at Dunkin Donuts, for example, and I was a little caught off guard by how happy I was to see him.

And I guess that speaks to what I've always believed about this city. The best things in the world are here, but so are the worst, and it takes a lot of strength to survive it all. Living is not a passive activity in New York City. September 11 was the worst day of my life. It made the world a less happy place to live, and it brought tremendous sadness to my city. But, you know, it's when it's darkest that you see the most stars. The New York City Marathon in November 2001 was one of my favorite days ever. It was the first big party that the city threw after September 11, and for me, at least, it was the day that I started feeling like we were all going to be okay. And the New Year's Eve leading into 2002 was the greatest New Year's Eve I'll ever have, running through Times Square in the bitter cold at 1a.m., throwing piles of confetti at one another and laughing till it hurt.

I've never been one to take things for granted, but I can only think of one day in my entire life leading up to September 11 when I actively stepped back from what was going on and thought to myself that I was happy to be alive. I've had lots of days like that since September 11, and I'm a better person for it.

Notes from The Month-Long Cleaning Extravaganza

1. I imagine it's never a good sign when you find yourself needing to clean off your cleaning supplies before you use them.

2. Month-Long Cleaning Extravaganza Soundtrack (Part 1): The Raconteurs: Potentially not awesome for my neighbors who live above or below me, but good entertainment for the ones who live across from me and can see into my windows. Much grooving going on, amidst the cleaning.

3. Multi-Surface Cleaning Wipes: For when you're not sure what the surface is that you're cleaning. It looks like wood, but I don't think it actually is wood. Synthetic wood paneling, perhaps?

4. First horrifying discovery of the Month-Long Cleaning Extravaganza is made: It's altogether possible that the top of my refrigerator hasn't been cleaned since the day I moved in here. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with my living situation, "the day I moved in here" is something that happened 9.5 years ago.

5. First "The Fumes From the Cleaning Materials Might Be Getting to Me" deep realization of the Month-Long Cleaning Extravaganza: The number one most awesome thing about my old roommate is that she was always totally up for anything. Didn't matter what it was. You needed somebody to accompany you somewhere utterly ridiculous? Chris was absolutely on board and ready to make it more fun than it would have been with anybody else. That's a pretty awesome trait. (Come home!!! And not just because I'm apparently a disgusting human being without you here! I miss my partner in crime!!!)

6. MAJOR SETBACK!!! A big pile of God knows what just spewed out of the ceiling and all over the air conditioner I just finished cleaning. I went upstairs and banged on the neighbor's door to see if they'd just done ... something ... to make this happen, but they didn't answer. I hear them moving around up there ... Grr!!! And seriously, WTF?! What kind of irony is it that a mere three hours into the Month-Long Cleaning Extravaganza, my apartment revolts on me?! All proof, apparently, the I'm simply not meant to live in a clean apartment. A demoralizing blow has been dealt to the initial enthusiasm of the Month-Long Cleaning Extravaganza. Resorting to Moxy Fruvous to try to restore good mood.

7. Day One Synopsis: The kitchen has been cleaned from top to bottom. In some cases, twice.

... To be continued.











October 9 Update:

... For those of you (and I know there are many) who were eagerly awaiting some updates on the next stages of the Month-Long Cleaning Extravaganza, I'll have you know that I haven't been holding out on you. What I've been holding out on is cleaning my damn apartment. There was a fury of bathroom cleaning ... um, Sunday night, I think? But aside from that, my old roomie arrives in under 24 hours, and my apartment still looks like a bomb went off.

I actually went out last night and purchased giant pink Rubbermaid containers (They didn't have the usual clear ones, and I was desperate.), into which I plan to dump all the shit that currently resides on the floor of my roommate's old bedroom. (And if history is any indication, that is likely where it will stay. Until my apartment collapses in a heap of disrepair. Or I die. Whichever happens first.) The only upside of the mad cleaning dash that will commence around 6p.m. this evening is that it will encourage me to be ruthless. Because let's face it. I'm over 30 now. I'm probably not ever again going to fit into those pants that made my ass look so fantastic when I was 25. And on the off-chance I ever do lose the post-30 poundage, those pants probably aren't the sorts of things that have any business being on the body of someone over the age of 30. No point holding onto them any longer. Into the trash they shall go!

[Note to people who worry about this sort of thing: I would give my under-30 pants to charity, but the city removed all the Salvation Army boxes a couple years ago, I imagine, in a flourish of terrorism prevention. Which, while potentially keeping us all alive, has created complications not unlike the complications resulting from the terrorist prevention-induced removal of all the trash cans from Rockefeller Center at Christmas-time. (No empty coffee cup has ever gone on such a journey as the one my empty Dunkin Donuts cup embarked upon with me during the last-minute Christmas Shopping Adventure of 2008. Nary a trash can in sight.) There is simply not, at this point, any time to schedule a Salvation Army pick-up. And I do not, at any point, have the patience nor organizational skills required to schedule a Salvation Army pick-up, so that wasn't ever going to happen anyway.]

Alright. Wish me luck! If there's anything worth posting during my Night-Long Stashing-My-Ridiculous-Shit-Out-Of-Sight Extravaganza, I'll be sure to let you know!

Next Day Update: Discoveries from a Frantic Evening of Cleaning:

1. It turns out that, around 2:30a.m., the bathroom at the Wash World more or less turns into a public bathroom for drunk people who just aren't going to make it from the nearby subway stop back to their apartments. About five minutes after each train rumbled by overhead, a stream of people in various states of alertness stumbled into the Wash World and asked somewhat desperately to use the bathroom. It got a bit comical after awhile!

2. I'm a little irritated with myself for not cleaning my apartment sooner. It took only about three hours to clean "The Forbidden Mess" (so deemed by Joe, who's curiosity about the situation was piqued when I invoked the value of 10 years of friendship to ensure that he wouldn't look behind the guest room door the last time he was here, so embarrassed was I by what was going on in there). Mostly I really just needed to throw shit out.

3. So yeah. Those of you who know me, know that I lost a ton of weight (since gained back, annoyingly!) when I started running marathons in 2003. Like, I actually got pretty skinny. I knew this much. What I didn't know, however, is that I apparently also started dressing like a slut when this occurred. I found a teeniest tiniest little denim skirt last night. Holy crap. I recall emerging from an unfamiliar subway stop in Brooklyn several years ago wearing this skirt and being appalled when the cop whom I'd asked for directions to the bar where I was meeting my friends asked me if I was a stripper. I still don't think that comment was quite appropriate coming from an on-duty cop, but at least I now understand where he was coming from. Good lord.

But yeah, otherwise fairly uneventful! Just talked to my roomie, and she'll be here is about two hours, so hooray!!!