Just for the Hell of It ... (Originally Posted 7.15.06)

Let's check in again with the Notre Dame Class of '98, shall we?? The new alumni magazine arrived this morning, and the cable's down, but it's too hot to go outside, and anyway, I'm feeling a little woozy from my early morning road race in the crazy heat and humidity ... so I really have nothing better to do is what I'm trying to tell you.

Unfortunately, this quarter's news isn't near as vomitous as last quarter's news. And really, aside from some girl who apparently has been named co-anchor of the CBS news morning show in NYC and nominated for a local Emmy (Holy crap, really?? You rock, girlfriend!), the Classes Section can be summarized as follows:

A guy from Notre Dame married a girl from Notre Dame and a bunch of Notre Dame people were bridesmaids and groomsmen. (3) Likelihood that the Notre Dame Fight Song was played at some point during the wedding: 100%

A guy from Notre Dame who married a girl from Notre Dame had their first kid together. (6) Likelihood that this child was swaddled in something emblazoned with at least one Notre Dame logo during the first 12 hours of his or her time on this planet: 100%

A guy from Notre Dame who married a girl from Notre Dame had their second kid together. (2) Likelihood that this child was swaddled in something emblazoned with at least one Notre Dame logo during the first 12 hours of his or her time on this planet: 65% (The second kid always gets the shaft. You'd better hope your parents are among the doctors and lawyers who wrote in last quarter, kid, or your parents might be out of money by the time you're college aged. Welcome to community college. Maybe we can think about those last two years. Pretend you're Rudy. It will make it all a little easier to take.)

A guy from Notre Dame married a girl who did *not* attend Notre Dame (*gasp*) but don't worry, a bunch of Notre Dame guys were groomsmen. (2) Likelihood that the Notre Dame Fight Song was played at some point during the wedding: 85%

A girl from Notre Dame married a guy who did *not* attend Notre Dame (*gasp*) but don't worry, a bunch of Notre Dame girls were bridesmaids. (1) Likelihood that the Notre Dame Fight Song was played at some point during the wedding: 45%

And some dude named Brian is working at Starbucks. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh wait. Nevermind. He is their Innovation Manager, and you can find his products on the shelves of a Starbucks near you. Hey Brian, how's about innovating a little plug to solve my viscosity problem?? Please see my blog for more information. They don't have stickers in NYC.

I mean, really. Are you kidding me?? I'm not people.

As for those of us who haven't recently (or ever) updated Class Secretary Bob Flannery about our thrilling lives, the landlord still hasn't fixed my bathroom ceiling, and I'm still eagerly anticipating its massive collapse. A *huge* chunk of plaster landed in the toilet the last time it got really humid. Pretty gross fishing that thing out, lemme tell you. I'm still watching too much reality TV (though Project Runway has replaced The Apprentice since our last quarterly update) and my NASCAR addiction has only grown ever larger, though I'm having trouble fitting everything in, what with the three hours of Tour de France coverage that I've been watching each night since July 1. Oh, and the guy I'm dating will be featured in the New York Post tomorrow ... on a date with another woman. Seriously.

Yes, Bob Flannery, life's just grand.

Things About Which I Am Not Flexible (Originally Posted 6.30.06)

When I have a baby, I'm going to describe her as "tall" in the birth announcements. Nineteen point five inches tall, thankyouverymuch. I've never understood this "long" business. Where does it say that one must be capable of standing up in order to be described as tall? Do I become 5'5" long when I lay down?? I think not.

I will also have a Best Chick at my wedding, (That is, assuming I find a guy to marry me who's okay with the tall thing.) My friends are far too cool to be "maids." Best Chick and my brideswomen. That sounds like a terrible band, but it's actually my wedding party.

Things That Should Exist (Originally Posted 6.26.06)

Really people. If any of you drive cars and drink Starbucks, please leave a comment explaining how you do this without getting coffee *all over you*. Because honestly, I get my coffee a block and a half from my work. I need only walk -- I'm not even driving -- around the corner with my coffee before I arrive at my destination. And at least once per week, I arrive to work with coffee dripping down my arm.

I think I have what I believe is a viscosity problem?? (I had mono for much of the last science class I ever had in my life -- I'd literally fall asleep during class and wake up God knows how much later in an empty room -- so there's a good chance that's not the right word there.) Because yeah. I do the wrap-a-napkin-around-the-cup thing and the pour-some-coffee-in-the-trash thing, but it seems if the rim gets at all wet, it just kind of *conducts* the coffee between the inside and outside of the cup, and once it starts, there's no stopping it. Coffee all over the place.

How has Starbucks not invented some sort of plug to stick in the hole in their lids till you get wherever you're going with your coffee?? That's all I ask. No major feats of engineering or enormous wastes of resources. Just a little plug.

Other things that should exist: A Dunkin Donuts just a little closer to my office. Then Starbucks could go plug-free, and I wouldn't give a damn. My morning coffee would also taste significantly better.

Rar.

Things That Should Not Exist (Originally Posted 6.26.06)

Key chain nail clippers. Seriously. There was a guy sitting across from me on the train this morning clipping his nails. This happens with a truly alarming frequency, so while I haven't grown entirely numb to how completely appalling this is, some of the initial shock has worn off. But this guy's nail clipper was on a key chain. Almost *encouraging* him to clip his nails in public places. And that's wrong.

Even Worse Than Your High School Reunion (Originally Posted 4.24.06)

... my university's quarterly alumni magazine arrived today, and it's more vomitous than usual.

This quarter's topic, according to the cover of the magazine, is "The Notre Dame I Know," and it turns out that unbeknownst to me, the Notre Dame I know is apparently a loveless, stressed-out, career-focused, and independence-emphasizing existence. Let's review the titles of some of the articles, shall we? On page 26, we have No Time For You: Many Domer 20-somethings are so set on establishing careers that they postpone a relationship, especially if it means romance. Or love. Or marriage. Page 30 brings us Miles To Go Before I Wed: My mother fashioned a life that deserves my admiration, but I've got dreams of my own right now and they don't depend on Mr. Right. I mean, are you kidding me?? I wish I was. But alas, 'tis all true.

Yet, remarkably, this was not the most vomit-inducing element of the magazine. No, I had to flip to the Classes section to find that. Let's review the folks from the Class of '98 who decided to provide us with a little glimpse into their fabulous lives this quarter, shall we?? And let me just say from the outset that apparently these people didn't get the memo about the The Notre Dame I Know either ... I can't say for certain that there's love or romance, but there's definitely sex and marriage, as evidenced by the pile of babies with which you are about to be bombarded. Wait. That doesn't sound good. Let's try again ... as evidenced by the litany of joyous birth announcements that's about to follow. That's better.

At any rate ...

First is Bill Whitman, who is running for U.S. Congress. U.S. Congress!!! My friends and I can't even figure out which football game we want to go to, and this guy's running for Congress. (Admittedly though, I knew Bill Whitman in college, and he was gregarious and charismatic, smart and he certainly seemed like an upstanding guy. If you live in the Ninth District of Tennessee, you should vote for him. Edited because I'm wondering now if it's actually Bill Wittington that I knew, and now that I'm thinking about it, it might have been high school and not college when I knew this Bill W. kid. Hmmm. So you'd better do your own damn research before you vote all you Ninth District of Tennessee-ee-ans. Don't come crying to me when Representative Bill opens up the Arctic to oil drilling or passes some similarly odious piece of legislation. I voted for Bill Wittington.)

Anyhow.

Next up, we've got a two folks in the Army who are both currently serving our country in Iraq. Before being deployed, one of them saved the lives of 20 people in the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Just when you thought Bill Whitman was making you feel like a drain on society, here come our life-saving freedom fighters.

Awesome. Next up is a guy I went to a dance with in college. We had a wonderful time together, and I was very much looking forward to the plans we'd made to see one another again, but then he decided to get back together with his girlfriend the week after the dance. I had to find this out from a friend, of course. You can't pick up damn phone?? At any rate, he's apparently just had his first child with said girlfriend (now wife). He's a doctor.

Next! More new parents. Not much more information about them.

Next! More new parents. He's a doctor.

Next! More new parents. They're both doctors.

Next! Somebody ran the Chicago Marathon, and a bunch of people went to watch. I'll have you know, Little Miss Chicago Marathon Runner, that I've run *four* marathons, and I had more Notre Dame friends on the sidelines at each of them than you did. Take that! Victory!!! I haven't been totally defeated by the Classes column!!! (I keed!!! I keed!!! Congrats runner girl. That's an awesome accomplisment. And after all, I should know, considering I ran four of them! I keed!!! ;o)

Who's next? More new parents. He just received his PhD.

And then more new parents. They're both lawyers.

And more new parents. And yes folks, another doctor in the house.

Then we close it out with two guys I think I can hang with. One lives in Pittsburgh and the other lives in Chicago, and they both work at computer consulting firms. Whoa, who let the riff-raff into the Classes section?? Computer consultants. Where's your PhD? Your life saving credentials?? Your beautiful bouncing babies??? Computer consultants. P-shaw.

I mean honestly. I'd like to see an update of what the 1,982 of us who didn't write in to let Class Secretary Bob Flannery know about our fabulous lives are up to. "Siobhan's still living in the same dillapidated apartment that she's had for the last six years. Highlights of her day include waking up each morning to discover how much of her bathroom ceiling has fallen into the toilet because her landlord won't fix it. She looks forward to the day when the whole damn ceiling will come crashing down, and in her spare time, she enjoys watching NASCAR and reality TV ... "

That would be a Classes section I could behind!