American Idol Week 11 (Originally Posted 5.02.08)
So, American Idol. I'm watching you tonight because I heard Paula did something more stupid than usual, and the part of me that loves a gory car wreck is just dying to know what it is.
I've dedicated a lot of real estate in this blog to wondering how the hell this woman has a job. If I showed up to work in a ball gown that looks like it came from a store on Steinway, rocking some elbow-high fingerless gloves with giant fake rhinestone bracelets over them and a tiara perched upon on my head – all of this in addition to being completely high – I don't think they'd let me through the door. But that's just the daily grind for our girl Paula.
And I've wondered how they've allowed this to continue season after season. But perhaps there's a method to your madness, American Idol. You knew you lost me when you forced me to stop having my Michael Johns fantasies. Fantasies that I quite enjoyed having, mind you, and fantasies that I was not ready to give up. Mariah Carey week went unwatched and was unceremoniously deleted from my DVR to make room for NASCAR qualifying – qualifying! – from
You knew you were in trouble, American Idol, so you reached to what I thought was the very bottom of your bag of dirty tricks and pulled out Andrew Friggin' Lloyd Webber, Greatest American Idol Guest Ever. "Well played," I thought. But then you went and booted the last person with any talent right out of the competition, and I said, "Enough, you stupid show!!!"
And I meant it. All the way up till Wednesday morning, when I woke to the morning radio show DJs saying Paula had *really* done it this time, and my split second reflex was to quick turn off the radio before I heard what she did because I just *had* to see it for myself. There's a method to your madness, American Idol, and I should have known it all along. Press play.
Ryan looks like he attempted to achieve the
Neil Diamond is the guest tonight, which is going to be ridiculous. Oh, this is no fun. The Idols are singing two songs tonight, but they're only going to be judged after the second one. Fortunately, before I can get too annoyed about this development, Jason Castro is sinking to new levels of pot headiness. He's practicing with Mr. Diamond, and he doesn't know the lyrics to his first song, so he looks down at his crib notes, but he's got the lyrics to his second song up there on piano. I was *hoping* that he was high enough that he'd start singing the words to the second song to the tune of the first song, but alas, 'twas not to be.
Jason Castro is a man with one set of girly legs on him. Jason Castro is also a man who has a future being the guy in the bar playing guitar. And I don't mean the guy we're all watching play guitar in the bar. I mean the guy who's kind of in the corner, playing guitar while everyone talks to their friends and pretends they don't have any singles when the tip jar gets passed around. He's a cute guy, but I honestly can't believe we're still watching him on this show.
I don't know what this song is that David Cook is singing, but I worked at a pool during the summers all through high school and college. It was in this really nice park, right on the banks of the
Brooke White just asked Neil Diamond if he was "a hugger or a hand shaker" and that question has made me feel a bit homicidal. I doubt anybody in
Ugh. I just wrote something about David Archuletta's sexual inexperience and the near rapture he appears to be experiencing in the presence of Neil Diamond, but I had to delete it because I seriously grossed myself out. You know. A lot of people are making me feel homicidal tonight, but I think the award for the most homicide-inducing of all goes to the violin chick in the sunglasses. At any rate, David Archuletta is singing Sweet Caroline, which is a song that I have hated ever since the summer of 1998, when I paid $80 to sit in the last row of Giants Stadium at what turned out to be about 45 minutes of U2 concert, 10 minutes of pre-encore down-time, 10 minutes of U2 making their way out of a giant lemon and back to the stage, and 5 minutes of The Edge singing karaoke to Sweet Caroline. Worst $80 I've ever spent in my life. And now I have a whole new reason to hate this song. And not just because it's David Archuletta singing it, but because he's singing the most ludicrous interpretation of the song I've ever heard. Kill me now. This Paula Abdul gaffe had better be pretty damn good.
Arrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh!!! Oh God!!! ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! I paused my DVR to rant about how the "Sitting, Barefoot, on the Floor" move needs to be retired from American Idol forever. (Like seriously, they should hang a banner from the rafters of the American Idol theatre with Katherine McFee on it sitting in front of a rainbow, like they do in hockey rinks when they retire players' numbers.) And you're totally not going to believe this, but I swear to you that it's true – it paused the TV just as the camera was fading away from Syesha and onto the damned violin section of the band. So it's like a translucent barefoot, floor-sitting Syesha with a ghost of Sunglasses Violin Chick appearing from behind her shoulder. I can't handle it. All of this said, if friggin' Syesha had just stood up and put on a pair of shoes, she would have had the best performance of the night so far.
Anyhow. Thus closes the first round of songs. And apparently we're doing all the comments at the same time??? I thought we were still going to get two-for-one comments on each person after their second song. And oh lord, Paula. I was hoping for something ridiculous in a funny way, but that was ridiculous is a really kind of sad way. This said, I would *love* to see what she has written on that note pad. She was furiously flipping through it while Simon was giving his (spot on) review. Oh lord.
Okay, we're going to try to keep the rest of this review short … Jason Castro is channeling Enrique Iglesias and singing poorly. Randy panned him. Paula muttered something. Simon told him he lost his mojo. I agree with all of them. Even Paula.
David Cook irritates me with his smarmy rock posturing, but he knocked that power ballad out of the park.
Brook is next. Fortunately she took the best piece of advice that Neil Diamond offered all night. Most people weren't born and raised in
David Archuletta is now singing "
Syesha closes this marathon of a show. The double song nights are really brutal when you hate everyone who's left. Jason Castro's future is playing guitar in O'Flaherty's on
Mercifully, this show has ended. I have no idea who's going home tonight. Not David Cook or David Archuletta. I'll go with Brooke because you've got to go with someone.
American Idol Week 10: Andrew Lloyd Webber a.k.a. Greatest American Idol Coach EVER (Originally Posted 4.23.08)
So as some of you know, I needed to take a few weeks away from American Idol. The "Idol Gives Back" Orgy of Self-Congratulation did not entice, and the booting of Michael Johns required protest. It crossed my mind that my angsty relationship with this season of American Idol might have come to a premature end. But you know my soft spots, American Idol, and you press them shamelessly. "Andrew Lloyd Webber makes absolutely zero sense as a theme," you said, "But he will reduce Siobhan to putty in our hands!" Then you laughed demonically because you knew you were right.
And you were right, American Idol. I can't not watch. I just can't. I need to know if David Cook will sing "The Rum Tum Tugger." The part of me that loves to hate David Archuletta has been hoping all day that he'll give us the kind of overly earnest rendition of "Jesus Christ Superstar" that will make me want to jump out my window. I don't remember which girls are left at this point, but someone's going to try "Memories," and someone's going to try "Don't Cry For Me Argentina," and I haven't the foggiest idea what Jason Castro will do, but I can't wait to find out. Yes American Idol, you have chosen well. I haven't been this excited for an episode in years, I don't think.
Let's fire up the DVR, shall we??
It's a star studded evening at American Idol: David Duchovny is in the crowd, and was that Kim Kardashian? (I seriously want to kill myself that the potential exists that I can pick Kim Kardashian out of a line-up. Oh crap. And now I'm probably going to get fired. I'm on my work laptop right now, and I plugged her name into Google because fortunately, I'm not familiar enough with her to know how to spell her name, but I completely forgot about that sex tape!!! Doh!!!) The Idol Gives Back special is just a memory, but the Orgy of Self-Congratulation continues on American Idol: Ryan just found out that the finale is going Green. Normally I like to hear that sort of thing, but on American Idol, it's just plain annoying.
To the judges … maybe I've been away too long (or hallucinating courtesy of the tetanus vaccine-induced haze I've been living in since last Thursday), but Paula's actually looking sober and very pretty tonight, and Simon's looking even hotter than usual, all twinkly eyed and mischievous! Oh God!!! They just brought the contestants, and Carly Smithson looks like she took a Bedazzler to her grandmother's couch, cut some armholes in it, and called it a dress. More on that later I'm sure, but for now, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the Andrew Lloyd Webber montage. (Heh. Ryan just called the Vegas set of Phantom of the Opera "Andrew Lloyd Webber's home turf." Yes. When I think Andrew Lloyd Webber, I think Vegas, for sure!)
We begin the performance part of the show with karma smacking Syesha Mercado square in the ass: She enters the song at the wrong place in the music, but that's what you get for being a bit of a patronizing bitch toward Andrew Lloyd Webber. Blech! The American Idol stylists have also launched another front in their global campaign against girls with curls, flattening Syesha's beautiful mop of bouncy curls into a bridesmaid up-do. At any rate, Syesha is singing "One Rock and Roll Too Many," and American Idol is annoying me by not saying what show it's from. Syesha's singing just okay, but she's being completely upstaged by the band leader who has nothing to do tonight since he doesn't know how to conduct an orchestra and has decided to entertain himself by dancing up a friggin' storm over on the side of the stage. Way to know your place, buddy. At any rate, the judges loved it, though Simon thinks Syesha's future is on the
Jason Castro is apparently back on the pre-show marijuana. I haven't seen the show in two weeks, so maybe he resumed this habit before tonight, but we're suffering from definite inability to form complete sentences during the interview with Ryan. Oh God. He's singing "Memories," and he just uttered the quote of the night: "I didn't know a cat was singin' it." Love. Ing. It. Okay. So I just watched the performance, and I paused the TV before the judges gave their reviews, and I'm going to pony up to actually kind of liking it! I mean, I hope he doesn't get kicked off this week, because if he has to go back to his buddies at wherever the hell he goes to college after that pansy ass performance, there's going to be a lot of grief in his future, but I thought it was nice. Sensitive. Whatever. Not a vocal masterpiece, but he sure pulled it off a lot better than I ever imagined. Let's see what the judges think! Yeah, they didn't like it. But whatever judges!!! I don't care! I did! These things said, Jason's got the defeated look of a kid who actually might not mind being sent home. I can understand that.
Brooke White is next, and she's the second singer in a row who hasn't a clue what her song is about. Do these kids not have internet access? Or a library card? Or even just someone they can ask for the back-story on the songs they're singing? Because, you know. Just for instance. I think Jason Castro would have liked to know that his song was sung by a cat. And not just any old cat, but an "ancient glamour pus." And Brooke, your character is dying. That's a key piece of information. She's not just in love, you see?
Hmm. Brooke blew the first line. Which was fine the first time she did it. But this is at least the second time, and I seem to recall it happening during the auditions too. I don't pretend to understand the stress these kids are under, but getting it done is part of what you signed up for, you know. At any rate. She sang it well. I was a little concerned in the beginning that she was taking a few too many cues from Debbie – ahem, excuse me! – Deborah Gibson's version of Eponine in Les Miserables (for those who never had the pleasure, Deborah took the "your character is dying" direction a little too literally), but Brooke breathed a bit more life into it as the song went along. Curious to see what the judges think … Pretty tepid review. But delivered nicely. You can tell the judges like her and want her to do well, and that's kind of nice in its own way.
Erg. David Archuletta is next. Does he wear the same outfit every week? He literally looks like he's on his way home from school picture day in eighth grade. Like, his Mom made him wear a tie, and now it's a little askew because he wore it all through recess, and he doesn't have a proper jacket because, you know, he's in eighth grade. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS UP WITH ALL THE BOYS SINGING SONGS THAT WERE WRITTEN FOR WOMEN???? Like, this is kind of weird, right? I'm not the only one whose thinking this?? Right??? Ah, whatever. He sang the David Archuletta remix of "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera. It was earnest and David Archuletta-like and all. But he should have sung "Jesus Christ Superstar." I almost feel gypped.
Okay, Carly Smithson. She's no David Archuletta, but I'm glad I'm getting my "Jesus Christ Superstar." This night is all backwards for me. Men singing "Memories," and women singing "Jesus Christ Superstar." I think if you took the second paragraph of this post and tossed it into the air, it all might have landed just right! Well. As long as David Cook sings "The Rum Tum Tugger." Heh! But it just dawned on me that this means Carly Smithson is wearing grandma's bedazzled couch to sing "Jesus Christ Superstar?" An odd wardrobe choice there. But she sang well. I'm going to say something I haven't yet said about Carly: I actually liked that performance. And I found her likable singing it. And the judges did too. Hell, Randy even liked her outfit. You missed your chance David Archuletta.
Oh blah, David Cook. "The Music of the Night." I'm actually annoyed with myself that I didn't see that coming. If you blow this, it's because you should have sung "The Rum Tum Tugger" David Cook. You heard it hear first. Ah, whatever. Alright singing. Good job on hitting the high notes there. Well, oooof. At least up until that last note. What was that?? I don't know. I didn't feel like he "connected with the lyrics." In fact I thought it was boring. And that's really what it all comes down to. I'll stop talking now.
So who's going home? I sure don't know! I'm guessing either Syesha, Brooke, or Jason Castro, but I have no idea which one. I'm going to go with Syesha just to get something up on the board, but I won't at all be surprised if I'm wrong.
Week One: Results Show (Originally Posted 2.22.08)
Unfortunately, my cable was all pixelated again for the group performance, so it was just too annoying to watch. It looked super humorous though. I always love watching the "rocker" types during these performances. Like that Aussie dude. From what I could see through the pixelation, he looked like he wanted to kill himself. (Which, IMO, is an appropriate emotion during an AI group performance.)
Next up, the first of the men goes. Ryan drops the ax well before any of us saw it coming, and Leif Garrett's head rolls. What's awesome though, is that dude looked like Richard Marx smashed into a Hasidic Jew, and the two magically fused. 90% of his hair says "Hold On To The Night" but he's got these spiral curls going down the side, and he's wearing a big black hat. Comedy.
We move over to the women. Car model chick is given the boot, and they've got her kitted out in a pair of white tights that makes her look like she weighs about 30 pounds more than she does. Good choice wardrobe people. Between Richard Marxstein's hair and the incredible fattening tights, the stylist side of this show is doing a bang up job!
THEN! Then we debut Paula Abdul's new video. Which was awesome. It was like a remake of Cold Hearted Snake, with a few corny 1980s special effects (a freeze frame Polaroid falling off the page, at one point there were little blue waves on the bottom of the screen) and Randy Jackson "playing" bass guitar. Paula's eyes are half shut through most of the video, and then at the very end, a picture of Ryan, Randy, Paula, and Simon pops up on the screen. This appears to be a part of the actual video. The whole thing was just hilarious.
Oh boy! Back to the cuts, it's time to let go of another girl. Ryan asks plus-size model and one of the blonds (I can't tell them apart) to join him at the center of the stage. Plus-size model has on what appears to be something a trendy 1960s girl might wear to a funeral, except it's two sizes too big and just doesn't look good. Considering she sang like complete crap the night before, it's no surprise she's gone.
Finally, Ryan brings Jacuzzi and Ellen Degeneres on stage. Suddenly plus-size model girl's outfit makes sense, because Ellen looks like his boyfriend just died in a fiery car wreck, and Jacuzzi looks like he's Ellen's best friend, but he was secretly in love with Ellen's boyfriend, and maybe he was even driving the car that killed the guy ... Dude seriously looked completely *distraught*. I'd heard the rumors that Jacuzzi was toast, so I was actually concerned for his health and safety. But he made it through, and we say goodbye to Ellen. Simon tells him that he should get a real job, because the singing thing just ain't gonna happen.
Seriously. Best results show ever!
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